Bear Blog Carnival: An album that got you through a hard time -- Billie Eilish
Re: ev-fae.quest/bear-blog-carnival-an-album-that-got-you-through-a-hard-time
I've never participated in any Blog Carnival before, mostly because the last time I blogged consistently, I never overcame my writer's block as some of the themes aren't very easy to write. I've only recently gotten back to blogging and saw this post in the Bear Blog trending feed that caught my eye; this is a theme I have experience with and have thought a lot about before, so I decided, why not make this my first post in participating in a blog carnival? :)
I will be picking dont smile at me by Billie Eilish.
There was a period of time in my life a few years ago when I took a break off studies as a gap year. In this year, I went to driving school, did a few internships, volunteering, and pursued my hobbies that allowed me to slow down and reflect on my past, and plan my future.
At the time, the decision to take a gap year came pretty naturally. It was merely an administrative issue rather than anything financial or academic. In this gap year I had basically none of the usual "obligations" or pressures one might experience as a student -- such as employment, extra-curricular activities, or academics -- but I was under a lot of pressure and stress nonetheless, simply due to the lack of obligations itself. When I had nothing I had to do, there was a lot I could do, but it was really hard to decide what activities I should invest my valuable time in. It was a period of life that I would likely not experience twice. Even if I took any kind of gap years in the future, it would not be the same.
One of the first things I decided I should do, is to get a driving license. It started with the theory test. The process of studying for the test was quite interesting. I was studying without studying, without school. I frequently went out of my way to explore interests and knowledge beyond the curriculum, but this was different. I wasn't learning and revising about things based on academic obligation or personal interest, it was simply obligation. And as someone who tends to aim for high grades, in this test, my goal was simply to pass. You don't get any advantage in road tests if you got full marks in the theory test.
With my daily life largely unstructured, I was left with many free time on my hands to decide which time slot to pick for exercising and other sports. I wouldn't believe this before living through my gap year, but the abundance of choices and options in what I could do for exercise and when I could do it, meant a higher barrier to get started in doing it each day and a lower motivation to actually do it. Should I go for a jog in the morning? But I have ample time in the afternoon to play badminton instead. Actually, why don't I go to the gym in the evening? Sometimes, when presented with so many choices like these I end up skipping exercise the entire day altogether. For a few weeks at the beginning of my gap year (before I started planning more carefully), this was a traumatic manifestation of the Paradox of Choice applied to time management.
I eventually settled with a schedule where I exercise every night before shower. With all the emotional weight of decisions and the rest of my life hung in the balance, I reached for Billie Eilish on shuffle, on repeat as background during my exercise sessions at night.
Not only that, I frequently drove for long distances at night after obtaining my driving license to get between cities (for sightseeing as well as cycling). The drive encompassed long periods of quietly cruising through highways with limited lamps and barely any other cars on the road. A little bit of music was needed. It couldn't be too upbeat or fast paced so I don't get too excited and drive too fast, and it had to also match the whole ambience of driving on a lonely highway late at night. Billie Eilish was perfect. And another reason I sticked mostly to just Billie Eilish was because shuffle-playing a single artist is a lot easier than skipping through songs, searching up playlists, or curating a rich music library to loop through, with regards to juggling the wheel and the music control screen. Instead, I would just play Billie Eilish -- didn't matter what song played -- I just trusted her own taste and artistic style and loyalty to that style.
Her songs in the album are soft, slow-paced, emotional, and reflective. Many of those exhibited themes of love. I didn't relate to those themes in that period, but the way her voice tells the story and the emotional cadence of the melodies and quirkiness and uniqueness of the beats just gets me engaged and reflective nonetheless, though in parts of my life other than love. When she talks about losing a loved one, I feel melancholic even though I wasn't experiencing the same thing. When she talks about infatuations, I feel excited and could imagine similar feelings for material and abstract objects instead, rather than a single human being. It didn't matter what she was singing about, I could sympathize and feel what she feels and vibe with the song regardless.
Another theme that was gently touched upon in the album was queerness. I mentioned earlier that I ended up doing a few internships and volunteer work at the time. The gap year was my period of self-discovery and coming out to myself. Towards the end of my gap year I fell in love with a girl at the place I volunteered at. On my last day of working there, I found an opportunity to talk to her alone. I've only ever talked to my closest friends about LGBTQ themes deeply and openly, and I've never acknowledged (nor thought to suspect) that I may even be represented by those labels, and so I wasn't comfortable approaching a colleague to chat about this out of the blue in a public setting.
One evening after work, it was raining and I needed a ride home. And it wasn't any evening -- it was my last day at work -- so it was now or never. I casually asked the girl if she could drive me home after work, and she agreed. We shared an umbrella on the way to her car and I (hopefully) carefully opened up the topic of homosexuality. The conversation ended up being lively and engaging and we talked about homosexuality the entire ride. She was really friendly and excited to talk about it. Gay marriage is illegal at the country I was in, and people tend to be discrete about these things. So I was really relieved when my suspicions that she may be gay was correct and how openly she shared about her experience -- how she was actually bi, but decided to only date girls after certain traumatic experiences with men.
Some of Billie Eilish's songs became really relatable in that period of time -- before I stopped working there and finding out the girl I liked already had a girlfriend. It was also then, when I came to the realization that Billie Eilish herself was queer. I started to notice her a bit more, following her social media and getting to know other kinds of media that included her, beyond knowing her just from my music app. I also started to notice her fashion style, as well as lesbian fashion styles.
Her album influenced me a lot in my gap year, to say the least.
These days, I still listen to Billie Eilish, though it's no longer just her songs on repeat. I tend to use phases of music infatuation as time capsules. These days, whenever I want to relive and reminisce on that year where I was stress-free while simultaneously full of stress, I play Billie Eilish, and immediately my mind conjures images of holding the driving wheel behind a long, straight, empty highway under the beautiful night sky, and of the ride back home with the first girl I ever liked.
Great times, all things considered.
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